This week has felt really strange, after the stress and
worry of the possibility of bad things, the relief of the bad things being
counted out, holiday and countless other minor things I’ve felt a little
directionless as to what I should be doing.
If I’m not fighting something, organising something or
avoiding something, well what should I actually be doing? The possibilities are
endless and randomly my mind is blank apart from the little voice in my head
saying ‘there’s a pile of clean laundry at home that needs to be put away’ ….. Hardly
exciting is it?
It’s mid week, the weekend is coming and again there’s a
blank space, nothing planned, just a space where ‘stuff’ can happen but I
genuinely have no idea what ‘stuff’ that will be and no ideas as to what I even
want to do. There are some blocks to what is feasible while we are still
working with Winston on his insecurity, but we are actually getting somewhere
with that now. Gareth and I are both applying some good practice to our
interactions with all the dogs and it seems to be paying dividends quickly.
So I guess that’s the weekend plan – going over repeatedly
the lessons with the dogs reinforcing over and over again the lessons that need
to be learnt. I’m sure by the end of the weekend we’re going to be quite mad
but the dogs I’m sure will be much happy with their humans. I’ll update on that
as we go.
It’s also getting to that stage where I should probably
start thinking about the ‘C’ word – not the bad health one, Christmas ….. good
grief how on earth did it get round to even close to that time of year again. I’ve
said it before but goodness knows time seems to speed up the older you get,
birthdays and Christmas’s feel like they happen so much closer together.
I guess it doesn’t help that having been so crap at planning
in the past I’m trying harder to be less crap by starting the preparation
earlier, this is adding to the ‘things coming around faster’ feeling because I’m
‘getting into it’ sooner. I’m really not helping myself am I LOL
Amber couldn’t get up this morning, she had stronger tremors
that she’s had recently and couldn’t get up. Gareth had to get up and carry her
down the stairs. By the time she was downstairs she seemed to have got herself
together and wobbled off down the garden to get things done. I’ll keep an eye
on her and see how she does, but it’s always there in my head that her time
seems to be getting short. This is probably reinforced by having overheard our
neighbour find one of their rabbits had passed away in the hutch during the day
– simply awful to hear how heartbroken they were and the little voice in my
head saying ‘you’re next’.
Perhaps that’s another reason why I feel a little
directionless right now – I’m waiting for the hammer to fall. It seems like a
long time since there’s been nothing to do except just live my life and without
something to focus on perhaps I just genuinely don’t have a clue how to just ‘do’
life these days.
That sounds quite depressing, but honestly it isn’t that way
at all. I’m enjoying life and love and happiness. Bob’s in the car, his battery has been flat
since last weekend and I haven’t needed him for anything I’ve wanted to do.
That the training is paying dividends is rewarding and it gives me hope that we
can have the dogs out with us for more positive experiences and worry less when
we want to go out. Gareth and I are enjoying our time together and it’s stress
free and happy. I’m looking forward to the end of the year and seeing our
family and catching up with everyone and hoping that I get gift choices right
for everyone and that we have a lovely time together.
Perhaps it’s just that I’m not used to normal anymore and
need to learn how to do ‘normal’ again.
I’m not always focused on how to ‘live my MS life’ anymore.
Yes I have MS, that’s not going to change any time soon and although I wish
there was a magic ‘fix it’ button it doesn’t dictate things these days so it’s
not overly intrusive. It isn’t ‘me’ though.
Its getting harder to update the blog simply because there’s
no MS news, it just is …… I feel like this has become a strange online diary of a person who happens to have MS and
less helpful for people reading it. I wonder what I’m actually contributing
these days other than an enormous feeling of wellbeing to those reading that at
least their lives aren’t as mundane as mine is and genuinely wonder why people
read it (unless it’s helping with insomnia on which case enjoy your snooze
because this one is quite likely to send you into a deep sleep)
Anyway in other news …. Monthly bloods have reflected
something that Dr N pointed out to me about those blood results being too high.
Both he and my GP had said that the root cause could be related to smoking. His
blood results and my most recent monthly ones both show an improvement pattern
which reflects their comments. Having not smoked (much) before tests one of the
readings has dropped (barely) into the normal range and the other is coming
back inline. My thyroid has dropped into the low end, but I suspect that might
have something to do with missing dose
of meds while I was on holiday – it only takes one missed dose for it to
nosedive and 2-3 weeks to get it back to where it should be.
So here we go a little later than normal because I was away,
here are my August results.
Stay well and enjoy life xxx
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