Monday, 20 May 2019

Year 5 - here we go again, a review of changes and month 49 blood results

4 years and 1 week since treatment start

My Facebook feed for the last week has been full of updates from treatment week and then from round 2 a year later. It really does seem very bizarre that it was so long ago because in my head it’s seems like it was only a short time ago. So much has happened, but by the same logic in terms of my MS – well nothing has happened.
I’m now a 4 whole years NEDA – No Evidence Disease Activity. It’s exactly what I hoped for when I chose to have Lemtrada I wanted to stop the MS in its tracks and I did.

I guess it’s time for a bit of a recap really a ‘then and now’ of how things are going, please excuse the lazy copy and paste from 4 years ago for the ‘then’ part, but as I said from the start this was my way of keeping myself honest, and check I'm not remembering stuff with rose tinted glasses and to present a realistic view of how things are.

What I had before that I now Do NOT have :
  • Cog-fog - Gone - The oxygen therapy helped with this greatly my brain is now clear (well as clear as it's ever going to get)
  • Constant Foot drop Gone - If I'm really tired this does reappear a little but a little rest and it disappears again
  • Spaghetti leg Gone - This was my name for 'whole leg drop' - the extreme of foot drop that had me in a wheelchair coming back from Milan in April 2015 - If I really overdo it and walk too much occasionally I can feel my leg getting wobbly so I slow down and rest up
  • Tiredness  - Mostly Gone - The oxygen therapy helped with this, I have tried never to call this MS Fatigue - MS has NEVER stopped me getting up and getting on with things. I regard Fatigue as an extreme where the exhaustion stops you in your tracks makes going on impossible to achieve not just bloody hard, so I call what I have tiredness - My medical team smile at me in that 'yes dear' way when I explain this so I'm probably playing it down  EDIT- I should add that I often talk about tiredness and fatigue nowadays, but this is a result of the thyroid problems that I’ve experienced in the last year and a bit – we all know thyroid problems are a distinct possibility post any IV Treatment and we have had the ‘mother load’ with Lemtrada. I had hoped to be one of the lucky ones that it passes by but sadly not. It’s why I now have ‘Bob’ for doing more strenuous things. On the sliding scale of things – it’s a small price to pay for the rest of this list being gone.
  • Bathroom Urgency - Gone - And oh boy it's nice not to hear that screaming claxon in my head yelling 'Go NOW you're about to embarrass yourself' 
  • Optic Neuritis - Gone - My vision has settled down completely now. the pain in my eyes and loss of the ability to see anything in detail (like words on a page) all returned to being just as rubbish as it's always been my whole life. My eyes might be dreadful, but I can drive, read and live normally the thought of losing that was horrific to me EDIT- to clarify, my recent eye posts are a result of an eye injury when a piece of shrapnel that got under my contact lens and gouged my eye not Optic Neuritis / MS related
  • Lack of balance - Gone - .I posted my post treatment physio assessment back in year 1 with the pre-treatment one as a comparison. The lovely Marnie was staggered, it was like night and day I could balance with my eyes open and closed, no toppling sideways and needing railings to hang on to. Now I'm just as clumsy as I always was before MS :-) EDIT- The thyroid / tiredness does affect my balance to a certain degree, the more tired I am – the more I look like I’ve been on the Gin
  • Sensation loss - Gone - Before treatment the ONLY parts of me that actually had skin sensation was my right arm and from my boobs to the top of my head. Everything has now returned to normal with the exception of my thumb and first 2 fingers of my left hand and the palm bit that joins them. That bit of my hand feels permanently like a phone is vibrating against it - this wipes out the ability to actually feel any other sensation through the 'buzzing'. I have experimented while on holiday with what's best described as a 'herbal remedy' and when the buzzing stops the sensation in my left hand is perfectly normal. My old Neuro wasn't even convinced this is MS related to be honest and might just be from the neck injuries sustained in a car accident many many years ago. EDIT- The hand sensation loss remains, it’s been so long now that I suspect it will always be so. There’s also some loss in my left arm in the last few months (see recent posts about ‘the spine guy’ – I have a problem with my C7 vertebrae pushing a disc out of place as a result of ‘a degenerative bone disease’ ….. I’ve got arthritis which is to be expected my parents had the hereditary form so I wasn’t likely to escape that – I’m on the same treatment as the dog for this and it's not MS related - LOL
All things considered, this is all going according to plan, the thyroid problems whilst unwelcome were a known side effect and not unexpected. - MS wise things are going to plan.
Life and stuff for the last week have been good. The ‘spine guy’ as released me from treatment, the injection to the nerve cluster may take many months to show any result and it’s a just wait and see scenario. I’m now released from the Eye clinic, infection has gone completely and whilst the scarring in my left eye has left a ‘fuzzy bit’ (think looking through a bit of frosted bathroom glass) I can see light and shade through that bit so it’s not as bad as originally thought to be.

I’m picking up my new ‘seeing’ glasses this Saturday so I can get rid of these awful black framed things I’m currently wearing and replace them with the much prettier new prescription ones.
Gareth is planning a short trip ‘oop norf’ this weekend to go and see the last day of his friends ‘Hallilapse’ show. Given the recent issues with Winston and his anxiety I’m going to stay home with the dogs and just relax. This does mean that since it’s yet another bank holiday weekend here in the UK, I can add a couple of days wrapper around the weekend and have a 5 day break, with Gareth and I still getting a ‘weekend’ together just a little later than normal – the caveat for this is that Gareth can get leave approved – bit pointless me booking it if he can’t really.

Saturday night was good fun, we had company and watched the Eurovision song contest. Not a huge ‘drink-fest’ although we did have a go at the drinking game. I love that Iceland always sends artists who enjoy the opportunity to shout at the rest of Europe, the yodelling Australians on windscreen wipers were very strange and as always the UK entry was just disappointing. Madonna is neither aging well; or gracefully and her dancers with their ‘mini-protest’ went largely unnoticed.

EDIT - for those readers in Norway, rather liked your entrant, although the guy with the bald head reminded me a lot of the singer from Right Said Fred - I kept expecting him to sing 'I'm too sexy' every time the camera moved to him :-) cc
This week looms one more with plans afoot. Tuesday is a night out at a new start up holiday business that a friend of ours is running - that can only be traumatic for the savings account. Wednesday a night out with Terry for a meal and catch up. I should probably do the work thing too - unless the Euromillions comes up trumps (not Donald) tomorrow night. New glasses on Saturday, then the weekend when Gareth gets home (see previous caveat).

Not quite the glamourous and hectic lifestyle we’d like, but then we also have to consider Winston and his anxiety into the equation. He’s getting there, a little better each time but he’s got a long way to go. Amber is better each day, still wobbly but better.
All things considered, life in the Doust world is pretty awesome really, the sun is shining and life is good.

So here we go with the start of year 5 post Lemtrada continuing to kick arse and take numbers.
Last Friday’s blood results for your enjoyment – As usual there are some misbehaves and some wins. Lymphocytes are satisfactorily low, Thyroid is still within the normal range (barely)

It’s all good, hope you’re all enjoying the wins xxx

Monday, 13 May 2019

The last post of YEAR 4 - sunshine, and stuff

Scores on the doors for things I wanted to achieve over the long weekend
Jobs around the house – FAIL
Relaxation – WIN
Eye Check-up – PARTIAL WIN
Dogs having lots of fun – WIN

The hospital went well yesterday, the Ophthalmologist has said I can now stop the drops and the gel stuff in my eye. She did say I can’t be signed off just yet, I have to go back again next week to check the infection hasn’t returned with me stopping the drops – she went to great lengths to explain that the infection in my eye was very severe and it’s imperative that they are sure the infection is gone (flesh eating eye thing sprung to mind when she was talking about it – EEEK).
I have an appointment next Sunday to go and have my eyes tested again to quantify just how much my prescription might have changed, plus since I can’t wear contacts any more, I’m going to need prescription sunglasses as well as just normal ‘seeing’ glasses (I can hear the savings account whimpering at the damage this is going to do to him)

The 4 day weekend was lovely, although I never did get round to doing the house stuff and Gareth forgot to mow the garden (you’re going be in trouble with doggy day care for that one Gareth)
We are trying something new with Winston to see if it will help with his separation anxiety, CBD Oil of all things – it’s supposed to be very effective for dog anxiety. Watch this space for progress updates.

There are going to be busy times coming up in the next few weeks, it’s also coming up on ‘that’ time of year again when it’s the anniversary of losing people and all that. I’m hoping the busy makes for it being more balanced this year.
We finally got round to watching season 1 of Call Of Duty over the weekend, binge watched season 1 in a single sitting. We always seem to get to these things long after the rest of the country has enjoyed watching them (I joined ‘Vera’ at season 8 earlier this year)

Dog news …
Amber is much better, she’s still very wobbly and can fall over, but she’s still completely mad for her food and loves to go off an ‘beagle’ so unless she’s unhappy we are okay with that.

Winston seems to be dealing with Ambers stroke far worse than she is. His separation anxiety has gone through the roof.  He shakes when he thinks we are going to leave the house and barks hysterically when we do. We are doing what we can to keep him in a calm state of mind, music playing when we do have to leave him, Adaptil Plug ins around the house (it smells like old people here) lavender oil on all the dogs collars and some CBD Oil as a food supplement.
So we are trying a new brand – yes – WE are, the dogs and I are now on simply CBD – the light formula arrived a few days ago and I figured since I have to remember for them – well I might just remember for me to so why not give it another try. It’s been a couple of days, it’s way too soon to tell if it will be effective for Winston or me, but his desire to vanquish anyone who comes to the house (particularly the postman) and the continual, never ending buzzing in my left hand – well they both seem a little reduced – could also be wishful thinking though so I will reserve my product review. Winston will stay on the light – my I’m pending a delivery of the blue formula (but sharing the dog dose in the interim J)

Sorry – it’s now Monday of the next week – this is still open in a Word document on my laptop and I haven’t hit post yet – I’m a bad, bad blogger.

Well the weekend was lovely, BBQ on Sunday after I’d been and had my eye appointment – new glasses are on order and arriving on the 25th, there’s a small snafau with the sunglasses but that should be resolved later today with a phone call.
Saturday was a great chance to catch up with friends at the social event of the year – Jasper’s 3rd Birthday Party (we are so rock and roll)

Yesterday evening I had the surprise news yesterday evening (randomly through an obscure slating of someone’s dish  on Rate My Plate) that my lovely friend Terry is over from Australia so we are going to catch up over the next couple of weeks with him and hopefully also with his lovely other half when she gets here. It’s been 2 years since we saw them so it’s going to be lovely to catch up with them.

I’m back at the hospital tomorrow for what will hopefully be the last check up on my eye. Thursday I’m at Circle Hospital again for the follow-up appointment with ‘the spine guy’ – I’m not entirely convinced that the being stabbed in the neck thing did much at all overall, but I’ve pretty much got used to living with the slightly numb arm now so I’m not inclined to do anything more invasive to try and correct it.

Winston and I have been on our CBD rations for a week, he seems a little calmer (well the neighbours haven’t complained about him this week) he still shakes when we leave, but I think is barking has reduced. I wish I could just have a chat with him and find out what is triggering his anxiety though (if Dr Doolittle is reading this please get in touch) For me, well my left hand is still ‘buzzy’ but then it has been for years so that’s not new, I’m upping the dosage a little this week to see if that can help (as per the guidelines) will update if something wonderful happens.
As usual at this time of year, my thoughts are turning to my weight and doing something more proactive about getting some ‘chunk’ off. I’ve lost 2 stone doing the 16:8 fasting method, but I’m thinking it’s time to up the ante a little, lower the carb intake and double the reward. And if I’m brutally honest I’ve been quite rubbish with 16:8 in the last few weeks so I need to give it a bit of a boost anyway. We only have 3 months to go until we go on holiday so there’s my target – lose as much as I can by our holiday J

I have my first bloods of Year 5 on Friday. This is the final year of my mandatory monthly blood tests. It’s strange, but part of me isn’t comfortable with the thought of them stopping. As much as it’s a pain in the arse getting them done, there’s a level of comfort to be felt from getting them - I’m not entirely sure I want them to stop. The subconscious does strange things sometimes, I’ve been looking forward to them being over and done with and now I’m nervous that they will be over and done.
So that’s me for this week (and last – still sorry about that)

Hope everyone’s enjoying some sunshine and better days

Tuesday, 30 April 2019

Amber update - good news and I'm back to happy again

Post vets update

So it’s confirmed Amber has had her second stroke, or in doggy terminology – canine idiopathic vestibular syndrome. She was given a steroid injection last night and has a new medication to take twice a day. I double checked the date of her last one while we were there, it was the weekend of my birthday March 3rd so she went 8 weeks between them. The vet said that in comparison to other dogs she had seen this wasn’t too bad (Our friends dog Jake was much more severe last year and he’s on the same meds and mostly back to himself again now) so fingers crossed. She did have the ‘quality of life’ discussion with us but agrees Amber is happy if wobbly and now is not the time.
I’m feeling more myself today, I’m a little sad because it would have been my brothers 44th birthday today, Facebook is both kind and cruel in showing the photos of Ian’s 40th as a little cruel in asking me would I like to wish him happy birthday – goodness knows I would.

So the rest of the week - now I’m not a blithering mess.
I have a 4 day weekend coming up. Monday is a bank holiday here in the UK and I booked Tuesday off because I’m back at the hospital for my eye check up at 11:45 and it seems a shame to not take advantage of a long weekend.

We don’t really have anything specific planned, but I’d like to get those bits and bats around the house started that I’ve been threatening to get on with for ages (I’m sure this idea will horrify Gareth) I’ve booked extra dog park sessions for the beasties which will make them all very happy.
I’m actually feeling pretty ‘serene’ today for want of a better word, I think I’ve finally caught up on the sleep that I’ve missed for the last few weeks. Bob is in the car not the office and the sun is shining. I’ve got loads done already this morning, I’m on plan for my eating regime and I’ve only had my one cup of coffee per day. I’m working my way through my first litre of water and I haven’t missed an eye drop at its required time. Gareth’s working from home, so Amber has him there and I’m not worried she might be trying to get up or down the stairs in her wobbly state.

It’s all good.
Sorry for being such a worry wart yesterday and sounding so down. I’m back to my usual happy self today.

Tracy xx

Monday, 29 April 2019

3 years 50 weeks - Month 48 blood results are back

Highlights for this month’s bloods

1.      My thyroid is still ‘barely’ in the normal range ….  Although right at the bottom end so Hyper remains a challenge.
2.      Neutrophils and Monocytes are still misbehaving
3.      Lymphocytes remain satisfyingly in the lower end of the normal range.

Sending bloods on to the neurology and doctors as usual long with an enquiry to see if there’s anything they can do to understand why the Neutrophils and Monocytes are always high, they’ve been that way for many months now and I’d like to know why so that I can project manage getting them right again (as I do with everything)
Eye update – Still going with the drops and the gel stuff, I’m cautiously optimistic that they might have been mistaken about the sight loss being permanent, either I’m adjusting to it really well or my left eye is so blind I can’t see the difference any more LOL. I haven’t had the horrible zig zag rainbow lights in my vision since last Thursday and no pain killers either. So fingers crossed when I’m back on May 7th they have some positive / good news for me.

Amber is back at the vets tonight, she had another stroke yesterday and is off her feet again, she seems okay in herself, although her tongue pokes out most of the time and when she’s just woken up she can only walk in circles and she looks very drunk when walking. I hate it when she falls, but she just shakes her head gets back up and starts again. Animals are so much more resilient than people. Last time on day 3 she improved back to normal so we are keeping our fingers crossed that tomorrow will be a better day for her. In the interim I feel physically sick just worrying about what the vet will say.
The weekend was quiet and peaceful in comparison to last weekend, no frantic dashing around or visitors. I made Lamb HotPot yesterday for Sunday dinner and it was pretty awesome with plenty for leftovers – sadly I then forgot to put it in the fridge and it’s currently still sitting in the pot on the cooker top - so that’s buggered that plan up.

The rest of the week seems a bit of a blur right now, I guess a lot will depend on what the vets say about Amber.
I’ll put another update our later this week when my head is a bit more organised, I’m pretty scatter brained right now wondering what they’re going to say to us.

Sorry xx
In the interim here's the blood results xx

Thursday, 25 April 2019

3 years 49 weeks - life returns to something vaguely resemling normal

Oh dear I’ve just read back that last post that I thought I’d done pretty well in the dark courtesy of Siri …. Apparently not, it’s garbled there are some ery odd things here, but I’m going to leave it as evidence that Siri is an idiot and I was pretty blind at the time.

Apologies for nearly 3 weeks of silence, but the eye injury turned out to be far more serious than we had ever imagined it would be. The Ulcer in the gouge in my left eye was infected. It took 5 days of drops on the hour, every hour 24 hours a day just to get it a little under control, then another 4 days of every other hour 24 hours a day. Over the Easter weekend it came down to every 3 hours and as of Tuesday I’m down to every 4 hours but also have a gel thing that has to go in 3 times a day as well.

The infection has caused some scarring to my cornea which the Ophthalmologists think is permanent and has caused about 25% sight loss in my left eye.

Fortunately I guess as I (very badly said in the last post) my left eye is the rubbish one anyway so 25% of not a lot isn’t really the end of the world. It’s been quite disorientating learning to see around it, the headaches and light refractions around any light surface distracting. But all in all ….. could be worse.

Having a ‘blind’ bit in my eye isn’t how I thought it would be, it’s not dark for starters, it’s like a piece of frosted bathroom glass is in the way, it’s a light bit of frosted glass that I can’t see through but it’s not dark.

I’m back at the hospital in a couple of weeks for the next review, so more on that one later.

I went in on Tuesday and tried to get my monthly bloods done, sadly the  new nurse couldn’t get blood from me, either I turned into a stone, or she had performance anxiety trying to do it in front of the trainee nurse J So I now have a massive bruise in my left inside elbow bit.

It was Gareth’s 40th birthday on Friday, a surprise visit for him by his parents and a surprise dinner with friends on Friday night. It was a lovely weekend although not without its challenges.

Sunday lunchtime we tried to drive down to Portsmouth to see Gareth’s grandmother and were witnesses to a very serious head on collision on the A33 and spent a lot of time out in the sunshine helping look after the injured the police, fire and ambulances were magnificent and were impressed that the head on collision was so well organised when they got there (Off Duty poolice traffi cofficer, ex army, first aid trained program manager co-ordinating the post accident activities - we were awesome),  

Then an unplanned taking apart of the spare bed frame and dispatching it to the tip because it was completely broken, a trip into Reading to disassemble another bed frame and bring it home and reassemble it in time for Gareths parents return from Portsmouth.

By Monday all I wanted to do was sleep and get over the 4 day weekend J

I’m back in work now after a whopping 2 weeks off, the first sick note of my entire working life – seriously never had one before until the ripe old age of 47 – that must be worth some kind of achievement badge J the 4 hour drops and gel cycle is manageable now and I’m starting to feel something vaguely resembling human again.

Back to the doctors tomorrow having drunk a gallon of water to see if this time they can get blood from the stone J

Hope everyone’s having a great one, much love xx

Wednesday, 10 April 2019

3 years 46 weeks - OMFG the week of hideous pain

Simply where to start ....

It’s wednesday I can finally see again so I’m updating the blog.

 It should be said that any mistakes that I made in this weeks blog on the Responsibility of Siri and not my crap typing

 Okay let’s start with what I’ve already told you about the spine guy and getting my left-arm sorted    Had he mentioned in our previous discussions that he was going to directly inject into the nerve cluster  then I might of been a little more apprehensive    I went in there expecting pain free loveliness and getting over my fear of being stabbed in the spine   This was not the case

When someone injects directly into your nerve cluster, it’s a little bit like being electrocuted like what you see in movie torture scene - it really bloody  hurts.  Especially when whimpering in pain you beg him to stop so he does. You’re now trapped - you can’t move, just lay there and swear and then tell him to get in with it. In totial the agony actually lasts the best part of three minutes whilst electrocution feeling continues   Fortunately as soon as they remove the needle everything went back to normal pretty quickly and it seems to have done the trick so far.

 The surprise horrifically painful thing

I should start by saying that given the choice I would go back to the spine guy and let him do ^^^^ again another 2 or 3 times before I EVER go through the next bit again.

 We are walking round Costco on Saturday with Gareth’s mum and dad when my eyesight started to go very weird   I could literally see light trials from the fluorescent lights a bit like being in a nightclub without the good music and nice dunks.  by the time we left I realised my left contact lens was becoming painful I took it out and thought no more of it.  Sadly by that point the damage was already done.

Sunday was just horrific I had my eyes checked I was told it was a scratch keep it clean it would be okay but I was so sensitive to light and the pain was so awful I didn’t know what to do with myself

 There wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to get into work on Monday those electric lights they have in offices burnt my eyes, by now left side of my face felt like i had been rabbit punched to the side
Of my face - my eye was so painful I didn’t know what to do  When I hadn’t slept at 3 o’clock on Tuesday morning I dragged Gareth out bed and to the hospital.  Confirmed (again) Scratched my eye but quite possibly an ulcer as well -  we left the hospital at 7 am with instructions to return for the eye A&E at 9 am  -  sleep is for girls

 Was confirmed at the emergency eye clinic not only do I have a big gouge on my left Iris there is an ulcer there   I now have many types of drops one of which has to go in every hour on the hour 24 hours a day

 I woke up today and I have almost no sight in my left eye it looks like someone has put a brick through the windscreen of my vision and I can see almost nothing  Neadless to say when I phoned in this morning to my boss I was in tears he’s just told me not to bother for the rest of the week. I’m back at the emergency eye ward tomorrow at 1:15 pm to see how it’s coming along and I’m hoping that the loss of vision is the ulcer feeling And not permanent sight loss.

 Now before anyone gets excited and thinks this has anything to do with Lemtrada  it’s just something that happens to people who wear contact lenses.  It’s an extreme reaction to something getting under my lens and scratching my eye  Needless to say my vanity is simply not that big and this is not the first eye injury  as a result of wearing soft lenses however it will be the last.  I’m simply not willing to ever go through this again   My eyesight might be rubbish my left eye might be my very rubbish eye  what is rubbish  as it is I can see through it and I’m not willing to risk that.

 So apologies for a strange update but that’s all I’ve got right now sitting here in the dark talking to my iPad with one eye closed and the other mostly closed to hide from the light of the iPad screen

 Hope you’re all doing well much love xx

Wednesday, 3 April 2019

3 years 45 weeks All is good with the world

Date night was awesome, if you haven’t seen the trailer for Fisherman’s Friends, take a look at it on YouTube, go see it and enjoy. It was everything I hoped it would be, funny and poignant, nostalgic and heart-warming. And yes it also made me cry, but then these things usually do. I’m sitting here typing about it 7 days later and the little pictures playing through my head of parts of it are still making me smile as I type.
Animal updates:

·        Bella has been ‘done’ and had her follow up appointment, she’s been a dream and not nibbled at her wound or stiches and isn’t in the mood for zoomies yet.

·        Murphy had his check up on his awful leg injury and whilst still looking rather odd is healing nicely.

·        Amber’s blood tests came back in normal parameters
Friday I’m in Theatre getting stabbed in the neck to try and encourage the disc which is trying to escape back into where it should be. I’m incredibly nervous after the whole getting a lumbar puncture debacle at Basingstoke hospital back in 2014 when was diagnosed (something I don’t think I’ve ever shared on here but I didn’t want to freak people out – the incompetence of one team isn’t something that everyone else should be measured against) It’s being done by the top guy in this area, it will be fine, I’m being silly, ignore me.

Date night this week was last night, a trip to the Six Bells for a lovely Indian meal after a surprise trip to the vet with Bella for a vaccination that couldn’t be done which completely buggered up our plans for the evening and dinner. We came home and I promptly fell asleep on the sofa – I am a rubbish date I think LOL

Apart from being stabbed on Friday, we also have Gareth’s parents coming for the weekend so there needs to be a flurry of doing laundry between now and then and as usual I’d really like to have done some long overdue bits of work on the house too – a bit of touching up paintwork where it’s been Bella chewed, but that’s not going to happen. I’ll put something ‘slow cooked’ on before I go to the hospital so it can just be dished up later. Saturday I’m going the BBQ route because that’s just how we roll, perhaps Greek Lamb marinated in lovely yogurt and mint goodness.

MS-Wise – everything is on an even keel, pretty normal and very ‘dull’ for want of a better word. I guess when we have MS, Dull and boring is good, it means that nothing is going wrong and causing us concern.

It’s got to make for pretty dull reading though. I’ll admit these days I start my weekly update and think what the heck do I write that won’t make people think YAWN. I’m not going to stop, but I guess I’m acknowledging and apologising for the simple truth that there isn’t more exciting things to tell (although the ‘post stabbing in the neck’ one next week might be more interesting)
Gareth’s 40th is also coming up on the 19th, finally his age will start with the same number as mine – it’s been a long 7 years with him being a thirty something and me being 40 something, I now get just under 3 years of relative peace until the big 5-OHHHH happens when all the micky taking will start again. Once again I find myself wondering where the heck all that time went, how can it be – then I read back through the last few posts and think – yup Tracy, you’re an old fart better get used to that LOL

And on that bombshell (if you didn’t watch UK Top Gear of old this phrase will mean nothing to you)
I’ll stop now and admire the lovely sunshine outside the office window, AND THE SNOW THAT IS FALLING ….. gotta love a British springtime xxx

And just because it makes me smile, here's a daft picure to leave you with xx

Tuesday, 26 March 2019

Hei til folket i Norge

Sorry if Google translate got that horribly wrong, but my Norwegian is none existent.

I've just been looking at the stats for blog views and the blog seems to be read by a lot of people in Norway, I have no idea why it has so many readers there, but thank you all for reading and stay strong, keep fighting and I hope you all kick MS squarely in it's balls xxxx

3yrs 44 wks - Being bankrupted by pets and blood results

Very ouchie weekend – yet another thing to add to the lit of ‘things Tracy is allergic to’ – my new very expensive face cream. It would appear when applying it I got it far too close to my eyes and I’ve spent all weekend like I’ve been punched in both eyes, they’re puffy and feel burnt and bruised and they've been feeling like that since last Friday - it has been horrid. Anti-Histamine’s are in full use and needless to say I’m steering well clear of the cream for a few days which sadly will probably make my eczema play up  and make my face all dry and flaky but at least my eyes won’t look swollen half closed, red and horrid.
My car is all sorted with the paint protection and the interior protection applied again and Bob is installed back in the car – I’ve done everything I wanted and needed to, but I was very aware that he wasn’t there; it’s odd how insecure I felt without him.

Busy week for vet visits, Amber has her annual Phenobarbital blood check tomorrow which we are hopeful should come back with the usual ‘all okay’ output. Bella is being ‘done’ on Friday (assuming the contrary mare doesn’t come into season again before then)
I’m also being taken out on ‘date night’ by Gareth on Wednesday, off to the Showcase to watch the film Fisherman’s Friends which I suspect is going to be funny and poignant and may well make me cry buckets. (hopefully my eyes less stingy and burn-y by then or salty tears are going to be a nightmare)

The sun is shining here in Berkshire, spring is in full swing with daffodils blooming, new growth is coming in on the trees and the days are longer and lighter. It certainly makes for a much more ‘up’ feeling being able to take the dogs to the park for a run in daylight rather than in the dark wrapped up like we are going on a polar trek with head torches, flashing dog collars and glow in the dark balls. Wet muddy dogs needing a bath when they get home, the bathroom looking like a muddy tornado passed through it. Just sitting in the garden with a glass of something in the evening sunshine
It’s now Tuesday – I wrote the above yesterday, I’m back in my contact lenses today and my eyes whilst still a bit puffy are back to feeling normal.

Last night was incredibly traumatic, at about 10:30 Murphy cat came home with what looked like a possibly broken leg – cue panic stations, an emergency call to the 24 hour veterinary service and a mad dash to get him looked at. Fortunately, it wasn’t a break, but it was an abscess caused by a nasty bite from another cat. The little bruiser has been scrapping again, and at the age of 9 he’s come off worse than a bit or ear damage this time. His leg is now part shaved it’s been lanced and drained and looks bloody awful but his leg magically shrank back to the correct shape. I’ve had to email all our neighbours and let them know what has happened to him, as he routinely lives in all 7 houses on our road. I’ve given the instructions for how to bathe it with salt water as well.

Nearly £300 poorer; Ambers Phenobarbital blood tests tonight (about £100); a £400 bill at the end of the week for Bella being spayed – bloody ouch.
A nice big euro millions win tonight certainly wouldn’t go amiss LOL.

Sun’s still shining though, happy days xxx
Lastly – they were not complete yesterday, but today my bloods are fully back. And great news – my thyroid readings are back in the normal range – BARELY but back in the normal range YAY for a ‘normal’ thyroid reading so here we go my month 46 blood results are in, enjoy …..

Thursday, 21 March 2019

3 yrs 43 weeks - New car, new bloods, and new appointment with 'The Spine Guy'

Another busy weekend with work cutting into activities, but also a lovely win with another pair of Levi’s 501’s -  I went back to get another pair, could only get them a size smaller which has happily worked out rather well – these ones don’t slide down a little when I walk.
I picked up my mew car on Monday night. Itch loved version of my belowed rent car, I pick up my neplaceme smaller which has hapily  pair of LEvi' is a newer version of my much loved Tourneo and hopefully will bring me as much joy and comfortable driving experience as the one I’ve had for the last 3 years. It seems odd to be so attached to a car, but it’s been a pleasure to drive and so very practical with the massive dog crate being permanently set up in there and the ability to have Bob in there too. I’m still having ‘memory fail’ moments about it being a button start rather than a key, I keep panicking that I might have walked away and left the keys in it. The heated seats however are a joy.

I’m back to the Spinal surgeon on Thursday now I’m finished the Steroids for the allergic reaction to the Gaberpentin. I’m hoping he can suggest something else to try rather than stabbing me in the neck with a big needle, the Gaberpentin had actually started to have the desired effect before it all went wrong, the feeling to my skin in my left arm had started to return to normal and the heavy feeling had gone – it’s all back again now.
Monthly bloods again on Friday, fingers crossed the badly behaved thyroid has started to behave a little better and the readings come a little more in line with normal, I’m so over the thyroid weirdness now, it’s rubbish and I’d like it to get itself under control.

In other news Gareth and I have managed to do something which is almost completely unheard of ……
We’ve booked a holiday !!!

It will be our first proper holiday together in 2 years !!!
We are going for a week in August to Watchett in Somerset. We have booked a dog friendly holiday rental with a completely secure garden for the beasties to run in. It seems such a long way off, but it’s only 5 months away. We decided to stay in the UK this year because Amber has been so frail with her stroke and her age that we didn’t want to leave here with Aunty Kathy or Kennels in case something happened. When that time comes we want to be with her, holding her, telling her we love her and it’s okay to run free now. (cripes but just typing that had tears welling up)

Apart from that, life is incredibly beige if I’m honest, I feel like I should have more fun, be more exciting, I’m sinking into middle aged dullness.
So my promise to myself for going forwards is that I’m going to do more and be more, just more everything. Reading my own updates I’ve decided I need to have a more exciting life


Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Gaberpentin - Allergic reaction with potentially severe outcome

An unusual out of cycle post for me but I think it needs to be told.

I should add up front this isn't something caused by Lemtrada - I'm allergic to a lot of meds in a lot of different ways so yes I'm one of those very sad people who read the fine print on those bits of paper that they put in the box (a few days after I start toking something because I don't want to 'fake myself' into looking for something.

Gaberpentin – I’ve had to stop taking immediately because I’m having an allergic reaction to it.
I should say I know Gaberpentin is frequently prescribed for people with MS for neuropathic pain. For me it was NOT prescribed for MS it was prescribed for the pesky C7 spinal problem I have and as of an hour ago it’s now on my list of ‘never to prescribe again because she's allergic’ notes on my medical record.

I got out of bed yesterday and everything ached, all my muscles in my body. Just a dull ache manageable with Paracetamol and I thought nothing about it. My balance also had become substantially worse than normal. This morning same thing – I ached in all my muscles took a couple of paracetamol and toddled off to work a little wobbly.
I got here and decided to just have a quick check of the paperwork that came with Gaberpentin to see if it could be causing the aches …… this is what I found:

Needless to say having lost my younger brother to multiple organ failure (Kidneys and Liver) I freaked the f*** out was on the phone to the doctors immediately –can you be here in 30 minutes – yes sure I can the weekly project call can wait  ….

No more gaberpentin, and a big course of steroids and anti-histamine to counteract the allergic reaction. My bloods aren’t due to be taken until next Friday but they’re probably going to be more than a little ‘funky’ this time. (Must let Dr N know in advance)
For those who read this regularly this next bit will be a ‘here she goes again hypothesising’ moment. For those who are new – please bear in mind this is me wondering out loud and in no way am I a medical person – what I am is a program manager / project manager in Telecoms – I analyse risk and mitigate It on a daily basis.

So brace yourselves – here I go.

·        I wonder how many people with MS are taking Gaberpentin

·        I wonder how many people with MS have symptoms like I have and just put it down to ‘MS Stuff / Weirdness’ and carry on taking it?

·        I wonder how many people who’ve had Lemtrada are taking Gaberpentin and have had these symptoms for a while or developed them post Lemtrada and put it down to 'MS Stuff / Weirdness' ?

·        And lastly the big one – Since that nice warning on the Gaberpentin paperwork says these feelings can be as a result of muscle breakdown which can cause critical or fatal kidney failure – The whole ‘Good Pastures / Anti-GBM’ warning with Lemtrada  - could that also be as a result of this?
(Anyone else having that feeling of groundhog day??)

So there we go – not my usual 2 pages of soap boxing, but interesting questions that should be asked and a little information that I think needs to be shared with anyone who’s an MS person, a Lemtrada person or just someone taking Gaberpentin.
So it’s steroids for 5 days YUCK – I really hate these things but if they’re helping to neutralise the allergic reaction they must be done.

Follow up with Mr B has been requested – looks like I’m going to have to have more of the revolting things injected directly into my spine
So happy days ladies and gents xxx

Monday, 11 March 2019

3 years 42 weeks - Sunshine, lots of energy and Levi 501's

A week of intensive sleeping (outside of the work thing because doing so at work is rude and apparently unacceptable) J

Last week was a long and sleepy one, Bob was retired again at the back end of the week once my 12 hour sleeps each night helped put me back on track. It made for Tracy being a very dull girl though and Gareth got lots of game time.
Amber is back to her normal beagle self, following her nose, staying on her feet mostly and only falling over occasionally as oldies tend to do.

I think the new dosage of the thyroid meds is kicking in now, I’m feeling more human again – I’m looking forward to my monthly bloods at the end of next week, I’m hoping they are back in a more normal range again. The Gabapentin that the spinal surgeon gave me for the C7 vertebrae / bulging disc thing also seems to be doing something right, I have sensation in my arm again and the aching has become much less than it was (YAY no more sitting in the back of an ambulance with an ECG hooked up)
The sun is shining here today, it looks glorious out the window, but the brutal wind definitely takes the pleasure out of going out to enjoy the free vitamin D supply.

Tonight I’m off to sign the paperwork for my new car, another Ford Tourneo because van like or not it’s the most comfortable, practical Dog and Bob mobile there is. The new one is shiny silver rather than grey and it has heated seats this time (sadly not leather) so I’ll have a nice toasty bum when it’s cold (which hopefully will be not needed for many months) Should be picking the new ‘little (not little at all) car’ before the end of this week.
Last but not least – I’m sitting here at work wearing skinny Levi 501’s with my lovely cowboy boots. The weight I’ve lost recently is really helping with my mood, my outlook on life and my self-esteem / confidence. It’s been a really long time since I’ve just picked up a pair of jeans, eyeballed them and gone to the till with them. I got home pulled them on and felt awesome. It’s been a long time since I could do that – it’s been a long time since I even considered anything other than ‘fat’ supermarket cheap jeans. So I’m rocking my 501’s and feeling very happy.

Hope you have a great week and that there is awesomeness in it for you – much love


Wednesday, 6 March 2019

3 years and 41 weeks - 37 hours awake messes with you

The epic weekend of working is done. I started at 7pm on Sunday night (nice way to spend my birthday - not) and finished at 6pm on Monday night. This was not helped by being awake at 6am on Sunday morning and not managing to get any sleep during the day - although I did have a rather lovely lunch at Pho - an awesome Vietnamese restaurant in Reading.

Total scores on the doors

Total time awake : 37 hours
Total time at work : 23 hours
Total time asleep when I finally got home : 12 hours

Back in the office at 08:10 Tuesday morning, Feeling more than a little jetlagged but the wheelchair stayed in the car not in the office so that's a win

Weekends like this happen very infrequently in my line of work. I'm the Senior Program Manager but when we have big implementation weekends like this my projct managers, test guys developers and Integration managers are all up and working these hours as well so it's only right and fair I'm there to support them to manage escalations or issues when they happen. Technically I'm no use when it comes to actually performing whatever actions are required to fix things, just co-ordinate stuff, but when it comes to keeping people fed and fuelled up with coffee and redbull (other energy drinks are available) to keep them going, to ensure if someone does need to stop or take a break I can swap them out for a fresh resource - that's my role.

It's unusual for someone in my role to stand up with the team through a whole window with the guys, but to be honest for me it's a duty of care thing, I shouldn't be asking anyone to do something I'm not willing to do myself.

Today I'm even more knackered than I was yesterday, Bob's been liberated from the car and in the office with me. I hate that I need him, but it is what it is *shrugs shoulders*

Amber-dog had what appears to be a mini stroke last Friday, she was awfully wobbly all over the weekend, falling over constantly when she tried to get up or when she was on her feet. It was awful and heartbreaking to watch, but by Sunday afternoon she had improved to just looking a bit drunk. We have to accept that she's very old now and it's going to happen some time soon. I'm not going to be ready for it, my Mum won't need me to look after her baby any more, I'll never be ready for that.

There is no other news in my life, it's been work, more work and a little more work and everything else has been sleep.

I'm a very dull person this week - sorry :-(

Much love and wishing you a great week xxx

Monday, 4 March 2019

3yrs 40 weeks - Blood results and staying up all night

An unusual time for me to be posting, nearly 2am on March 4th, uner normal circumstances, you might be thinking that because yesterday was my birthday that I'm up late having been partying and possibly a little 'under the affluence of incahol'

Sadly this isn't the case, I'm stone code sober and sitting at my desk in the office rather cold and approaching the mid point for an overnight implementation. I'm running on coffee, domino's pizza and a side order or pretty grouchy if I'm totally honest. It's going well so far though so that's good.

I've been here since just after 7:30 last night and expecting to still be here until about lunch time today (feel quite sick just typing that if I'm honest) It's going to take me a good couple of weeks to get over this and get my sleep patterns back to something approaching normal.

My February blood results are finaly fully available the TSH was the late commer to the party as usual. After suddenly going Hyper last month resulting in yet another change of medication dose.

I was hoping for a bigger change if I'm honest but it's been a relatively tiny one, but then changing levels on Levothyroxine is a little like trying to turn an aircraft carrier in a small harbour - a 927 point turn thats going to take a LOOONG time to complete. Hopefully a more stable reading next month.

In other news my doctor referred me to a Spinal surgeon about the numbness in my left arm. The MRI's have once again ruled out MS being the root cause of the change so those nice people at Bupa have paved the way to get me looked at quickly. Turns out I have some 'narrowing of my C7 vertibrae with inflammation pushing the disc bit around to somewhere it shouldn't be and pressing on nerves.

Humourously the first line of attack to help resolve this is to put me on Gaberpentin to try and help deal with it (LOL - never needed the damn stuff for MS) we are giing it a few weeks to see if it makes some difference and if not he's going to put a needle in my neck and inject the area with steroids GULP ;-(

Amber-dog has had a 'funny do' over the last few days with her balance and back legs going, a mini dog stroke type event, but she has been much better today (yesterday now given the time) we were both pretty shaken up by it as we were with her last 'funny do'  few weeks ago. She was mum's dog before she was our dog, the last thing that my mum 'needs me' to do for her, to take care of her baby girl - I'm not ready for my mum not to need me, I don't think I ever will be so she has to keep going for ever.

So I'm sitting here at stupid o'clock in the morning, absolutely exhausted and contemplating another coffee and blathering at you to keep myself from snoozing - sorry about that, I'll stop now and let you all rest.

Take care, much love and ZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Friday, 15 February 2019

3 yrs 37 weeks - good news and possibly a mild concussion

The morning after the night (weekend) before

After Friday’s excitement, getting cold and wet, lost train tickets, taxis and lovely policemen, the news that I’ve achieved Lemtrada Gamer Level 4 Year Long Term Warrior. You would think the next thing I had on my ‘to do list’ would be to have a celebration and relax a little. Sadly this wasn’t the case, I got home just in time to start ‘implementation weekend’ for my project. This was a deployment which spanned a 24 hour period with key checkpoints at 7:30pm, 11:30pm, 04:00am, 07:30am, 11am, 14:30pm ……..

Needless to say I’m pretty broken. It’s going to take me about a week just to get my sleep back to a normal level and make this right again.

I’m pretty sure my thyroid going haywire again really isn’t helping matters; it really does completely flatten me when it’s misbehaving in a way MS never managed to.

In terms of life the world and everything, well the last couple of weeks has been a deluge of work and not much else, it’s existence and a never ending battle to keep ahead of the avalanche leaving no room for other stuff.

I’m not drowning, but I’m sure as heck not making much progress, treading water at best really. The fundamental thing is that’s good news – MS not getting worse is great, I just feel like I need to have something getting better as opposed to not getting worse if that makes sense. I just want it to be more

Its Valentine ’s Day today and we have a lovely meal planned at home along with a bottle of bubbly. Just a night on the sofa, cuddled up with a film; sounds about perfect to me. (Logistics of this with 3 dogs who also want to cuddle certainly doesn’t help with the romantic mood J)

Monday night went with a bang (not in a valentines type way) I lost my balance trying to rearrange the dogs on the sofa and went backwards over the coffee table. I neatly stopped my descent to the ground by using my head and right shoulder as a brake. OUCHIES …… I can’t lift my right arm without yelping like a baby and the banging in my head hasn’t stopped since. There’s a good chance I have a low grade concussion, but it’s not really stopping me doing much except I don’t seem to be able to remember what day of the week it is.
Oh and PS - I've just come back from a visit to my doctors appointment this afternoon - after the afternoon in an ambulance, heart worries which turned out to not be heart problems at all and the 'Do you know you have high blood pressure madam' converstion - apparently it's being in the back of n ambulance which raises my blood pressure because ouside one there's nothing wrong with it at all.

He is however sending me to a specialist about my arm - he wished me luck having the conversation with whoever I get through Bupa who tries to blame it on my MS - 4 years of MRI evidence of no progression and one of the top neurologists' in this country and MS specialist who has said it's not MS it's the neck injury causing the problems with my left arm and hand J

All of a sudden I feel like I've acomplished something - I've beaten my none existant blood preasure problem, I've a new specialist to house train ....

I think that calls for a celebratory G&T

Happy Friday my lovlies xxx

Saturday, 9 February 2019

3yrs 35 weeks - Blood results and MASSIVE Neurologist News

3 years and 35 weeks already. Sorry for not posting last week, Amber-Dog was incredibly poorly, an emergency vet trip last Monday night because she was throwing up and having problems breathing, X-Rays, ultrasounds bloods and medication, then 3 days in our own vets on a drip with pain killers. There is a £1,404 bill for the week for what basically seems to be a hugely expensive bout of doggy gastroenteritis. We got her home from the vets on Thursday (she was back to her vocal demanding food and insisting everyone pay attention to her) and life returned to normal.

Friday Gareths parents arrived for the weekend along with the snow, it took them ages to get here and as usual the route off the M3 and through Basingstoke made the national news for it's simple inability to actually manage a little snow with any dignity at all.

This week has been completely nuts at work, the lead up to a big deployment weekend at work. I've been in at 8am and still online at 10-11pm at night. I suspect I'll be paying for that next week when my body decides to make me slow down.

On Wednesday I got a phone call from London saying that my Neuro appointment was being brought forward to Friday - cue me having a bit of a flap attack and wondering what the MRI 2 weeks ago had shown up that necessitated the appointment to be brought forward by 3 months EEEK

I've been into London today, and met with Dr N, apparently good news needs to be shared quickly under Berkshire and London NHS

4th year NEDA - No Evidence Disease Activity

Lemtrada is still doing its job, everything I hoped and dreamed it would do. Yes my thyroid has gone a bit tit's up (more about that with the bloods) and sometimes I need Bob for the things that require significantly more stamina than I currently have. But I'm not collecting scar tissue in my brain and spine like some collect shoes or tattoos and I'm not collecting a load of new symptoms. So YAY BLOODY YAY.

Something Dr N also said is that I'm approved for a 3rd round if I ever need it, so I don't need to fight for it. All that time doing the cost benefit analysis of it to show for me it really has been a cost effective investment for the NHS, and the risk assessment of alternative types of treatment and their suitability can happily get put away. It's lovely and reassuring to know that I would not have to do battle to get a 3rd round should that ever be the day.

While I'm waxing lyrical about the NHS, I should also give a huge shout out that I can't find a single negative about being under Berkshire (apart from having to use public transport to get there) The efficiency and professional way they manage your appointments, the not sitting around for hours and the setting up of your next MRI’s and appointments pretty much before you even get home from the one you’ve just been to.

It’s Friday night, the first phase is going well with the deployment and the next update call is at 4am so I’m going to go and hit the sack shortly.

And last but not least – blood tests, I had a call from the Doctors this week – I’ve been asked to reduce my Levothyroxine from 150mg a day to 125mg … it would appear that it might have been a little much as I’m now showing hypo on my blood results (sadly I haven’t suddenly become a svelte size 10 (UK) size)

The other wierdies are starting to come back in line and my Lymphocytes remain happily on the low side of the mid-range so they’re behaving themselves (as the MRI shows)

After getting thoroughly soaked about 8 times getting into Hammersmith to Charing Cross and back, losing my train ticket between Paddington and the hospital, spending £60 on trains and taxis, accidentally spending £14 to buy a coffee in  ‘cup for life’.

Well I’ve had the biggest smile on my face, this is the best news I’ve had in ages, add to that apparently it’s far more convenient to put Bob and I in at the front of the train so I’ve had 1st class upgrades going both ways.

Today has been a bloody good day and I’m a very happy girl.

Anyway those blood results .....

Monday, 21 January 2019

3 yrs and 33 weeks - New year update and life stuff

3 weeks into the mew year and Bob hasn’t been out of the car. 

3 weeks of massively reduced smoking

3 weeks of drinking and the fasting 16:8 regime and if I’m honest I’m feeling really good.  

 We’ve been out and about a lot, lots of walking and towards the end my legs are sometimes getting weak and shaky, but we know when to take a break and it's working.

Last week was awful and tragic, once again I've lost someone from my life without any warning. A friend and colleague in his mid 30's with a 2 year old daughter had a massive stroke last Monday evening. Too awful for words really, so young no time to prepare, just a great big hole in all our lives. His employers are supporting his family and helping them make arrangements to get him transferred back home for his funeral in India.

 Work is insanely busy right now as we come up to the launch of  a big project, long hours, lots of meetings and a bazillion things that all need to happen now (or preferably yesterday).

The dogs are keeping us busy and cold in the evenings for walkies, we’ve also had a few new menu wins in the last few weeks – eating more healthily has focused us on menu planning and sticking to things – well apart from the accidental meal out last Thursday evening J what can I say the new leaf is turned over, but I’m not a saint.
On the planning front – sadly we’ve not booked a holiday yet for this year. We really need to be less rubbish with these things L

Bloods next Wednesday – hopefully the new dosage of thyroid meds have worked and that’s not running riot any more (assuming it’s okay because of not needing Bob)
Stay well much love

Thursday, 3 January 2019

3 years 30 weeks happy new year

Another year done. I hope everyone had an awesome break for Christmas and New Year. Wishing you all the best for a happy, healthy 2019

The last 3 weeks have been manic with work Christmas 'doooooos', then travelling. Over the holidays I've driven 850 miles, so I'm now back in work for a rest.

Up to Yorkshire for Christmas with Gareths family (Via Knowle to drop christmas presents off for my brothers wife and her mum) 30 mile round trips each day to Baffles Dog Park to wear out the beasties - in Yorkshire this is a 3 hour endeavour (I was gutted last night when someone on a facebook group I'm part of posted that there is one less than 10 minutes from the in laws house) then off to deepest darkest Wales to see Aunty Kathy with a detour near Manchester to Fido's fields. Back home again via Knowle this time to actually see Karen and her mum (who were both away on our journey up)

It's been lovely to see everyone and catch up, some pretty epic food has been prepared and enjoyed. The dogs as usual were firm favourites with everyone, with Bella causing many tears up in Halifax as she reminds everyone of a young Jessie -their dog who crossed the rainbow bridge last year.

MS wise - well 7 days in strange beds took it's toll but it was managable, just the usual overly tired with pseudo symptom flares. A few days back in my own bed again and I can feel my legs again YAY - another few days of 'rest/work' and all should be back to normal again.

New year, fresh start time again, resolutions include
  • Dry January (Coming along nicely)
  • Smoke less (preferably nothing but less is good)
  • Continue with weight loss (coming along nicely)
  • Go to the gym at least 3 times a week (It's the 3rd - I've not been there yet - so 3 of the next 4 days it is then)
  • Be less of a bitch / angry about little inconsequential stuff (does it count if I was in car snippy at someone who couldn't hear me??)
  • Stop 'planning to do things but never getting round to them' - like holidays (Can't actually talk about this until later in the year)
This year I want to be positive, hopeful and most of all do some really powerful things to take back control of my own destiny whereI can, getting myself into something resembling a 'fit' state will go a long way towards that I hope.

Positivity - that's what this year is for - lots of positivity

Much love